oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
