just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want to make out with him forever
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize