dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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