i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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