you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
