Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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