I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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