I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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