Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize