Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
