I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
