I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Boobs speak an international language.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
