My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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