I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
