i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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