I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
