I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
