Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
