im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
