I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
