Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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