my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's the barista slut.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
