and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
