i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
