Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
