Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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