My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
