Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
