im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
