well I can't set my house on fire every night
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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