tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
