I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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