Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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