Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
