It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
