I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
