The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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