I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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