he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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