I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
