he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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