I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
