did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
