I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
