i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
