Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
