My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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