chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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