You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
