sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
