Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
