the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
