its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
