Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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