MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I love you. Go after that dick
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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