Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
