I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you had me at cake vodka
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
