It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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