dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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