Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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