At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize